Starting out on the long hill

Just me, my God and my thoughts. It's been quite some time since I have let myself be alone with God and my thoughts. Really. You know the God that loves me even when he sees everything about me, all my potential and all my shortcomings, all my questions and insecurities. Really being alone with a God like this takes humility. The ability to accept that kind of love when you know you never did anything to earn it. That's big love! You know the deep thoughts that you might not really want people to know you have thought, are thinking, or will think. The questions, the doubts, the what ifs, the whys. The thoughts that stare you in the face when the room is dark and no one else is around. Those are big thoughts!
In the past months, I have met with God and I have run from him. I have pushed these thoughts down and I have allowed them to flow freely even when I didn't know that I wanted to really deal with the deeper issues. It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far. Here's my story from the long hill...
On December 11, 2008, I found out I was pregnant. I immediately began to dream of my perfectly peaceful baby who never cried and was adorable to me as I sat with him or her feeding in the night. Although each of these moments have occurred throughout the past 7 weeks, there have been moments of other experiences and feelings as well...moments of well reality.
Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, and even St. Patricks Day included the glories of morning sickness. I am still wondering who named it morning sickness?! Whoever it was, they had it easy! I will never forget coming home from work climbing into bed and not getting out until the next morning. It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far.
On June 1, (a Monday) I went for my normal monthly appt expecting everything to be normal. I was a little swollen and had gained a good amount of weight in a month but thought that was all part of the end of the pregnancy drawing near. I found out that day that my blood pressure was high and my protein levels were higher than they should be. I was taken out of work for a week and sent home with my first BRIGHT ORANGE jug-o-urine...little did I know many more of them I would use! Did I mention I tend to like to have things under control, in my own little box? This happened to be at the most intense time of the school year. Events I had been planning at work for the last 7 months were approaching and I wasn't there to control them! I went back to the doctors later than week to learn I wouldn't be returning to work AT ALL...the thoughts of something called pre-eclampsia were worrying the doctor. Rest was the best preventer of this disease. It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far.
I spent most of June on the couch...doing a little and resting A LOT. As the end of June approached, my Blood pressure was creeping up along with the protein levels. Oh Monday, June 29, I drove myself to my doctors unaware of how swollen I had become (the dr later described me as looking like a pillsbury dough boy! haha). My blood pressure and protein levels were still on the rise. She sent me to the hospital. As the day went on and the doctors talked about steroids for the baby's lung development and kept me from eating in case they had to " do something". I began to realize how serious this was. The thought of pre-eclampsia had now become a little more than a thought...I was there over night to get steriod shots and was released the next day. I was thrilled to be home. It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far.
Thursday was my next doctors appt. I was having my first in office non-stress test (they monitor the babies heart rate for a certain amount of time. They are watching to make sure
that there are no decelerations. There were a few decelerations in the babies heart rate and back to the hospital I went for "prolonged monitoring". I remember my mom asking the nurse practitioner how long I would be there. She said I should be home by midnight :). haha. Friday, July 3, Dr. White came in to talk about the testing that was done over night and what things looked like. My blood pressure and protein were still on the rise and that was the first time we heard the words, You could be here for a long time. Tim had a wedding that day and my mom was there with me...after the doctor left, we cried and then laughed at each other and then cried some more. A long time was so undefined, so out of our control and we didn't like that. It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far.
Saturday, July 4th. My mom, dad, Megan, and Mari came to the hospital for the best picnic of the summer :) My dad grilled burgers, we had potato salad and home made lemonade and summery fruit! As dinner was ending, they moved me to my private room. Little did I know as I WALKED into that room that I wouldn't walk out of it again until somewhere around the 17th! (That was when I was allowed one walk down the hall each day!) From the 4th to the 22nd, 18 very long days, we were taken through a roller coaster of, "you are here until you deliver","you should be treated as an outpatient", "after this test we will see if you can go home", "you can go to your shower", "you will definitely not be able to go to your shower, well maybe on a stretcher for an hour", "we will have to deliver you in the next 48 hours", "prepare to see your baby needing some sort of respiratory assistance", "ooops we made a mistake and your numbers aren't as high as we thought but you still can't go to your shower"...you get the point. AND HERE is where the thoughts began. I was feeling very much alone (although my family and friends were more than amazing and were with me as close to 24/7 as possible) and confused by these events. Why is this happening to me, what did I do to deserve this, am I being punished for something I did, is there something I should have done to prevent this, God are you even seeing any of this and if you are why don't I feel you anywhere near? All of these thoughts were bubbling around on the inside but instead of feeling them, thinking them, speaking them, they would bubble close to the surface and I would push them down as quickly as possible. I knew or thought that if I let myself feel one bit of any of these thoughts and questions, I would lose it. I NEEDED to be strong, I NEEDED to shut down emotionally or I would be out of control....ick right?! If only I realized I didn't NEED to do anything! It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far.
They said if this disease was going to turn it would turn quickly and I might not even know it was happening. On Wednesday July 22, that is just what happened. My blood pressure was pretty "normal" all day but I do remember feeling a little sluggish. It was the one night in a while that I didn't have someone with me until when I Was ready to go to bed. By evening when it was time to be put on the monitor (an hour of watching the baby's heart rate) my blood pressure was extremely high (the highest I saw that night was 181/110) and there was at least one MAJOR deceleration in his heart rate. The nurse came in and said if there was one more deceleration she would have to put an IV in (that meant that chance of delivery!). Back she came just a few minutes later with her bucket of IV fun! It was time...the doctor came in and told me I Was going to labor and delivery right away and she wasn't sure what was going to happen after that (inducing for a natural delivery or a C-section). It all began to hit me...this is really happening and it is pretty serious! Induction was the decision and on we went for 36 hours of fun! It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far.
Friday morning came. My dad was with me through the night Thursday and boy was I glad! I woke up with contractions and was so grateful to have him there! My water broke, Tim and my mom got there, I got the epidural, more decelerations in the heart rate. Bigger and more serious this time. (This is how I processed it all...very matter of fact...not much emotion) A few minutes before 1:00, the doctor made the statement, "This Baby has to be born NOW." Little did we know the cord was around his neck as he made his way down the birth canal. Despite all of this, Landon did not need one bit of respiratory assistance, he was completely healthy despite being 4 and 1.2 weeks early and having the cord wrapped around his neck! He really was a miracle! Even through all of this I still remained pretty heavily emotionally detached. It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far.
The next two weeks were incredibly long and hard. I was entering back into my life at home, Landon was in the NICU, Tim was exhausted from all of his hospital runs and the questions and thoughts still hit me hard. Still I pushed them down. A few times in those weeks one part of one thought or question would surface I would let some of it out and then push the rest down afraid I would completely lose it if I dealt with the whole issue. It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far.
The longer Landon was in the NICU and I Was adjusting to life at home, the more fearful I got about bringing him home. I hated seeing him in the hospital but I was completely afraid to bring this little fragile boy home. I didn't let that thought get even close to the surface and I did my best not to let anyone in to see it was there. It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far.
Landon has been home for almost 6 weeks and for much of that time I continued to push down my thoughts and started to really question God and how he fit into this whole equation. I really did not understand why this all happened to me. Here was my thought pattern in those weeks, (especially when I was feeling overwhelmed with night time feedings, lack of sleep, ect.) 4 weeks in the hospital, 2 weeks of Landon in the NICU and now this?! well those feelings can only last so long before they start to eat away at you! It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far.
In the past months, I have met with God and I have run from him. I have pushed these thoughts down and I have allowed them to flow freely even when I didn't know that I wanted to really deal with the deeper issues. It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far.
I have done a lot more running than I have meeting with God. I have pushed my thoughts down a lot more that I have allowed them to flow BUT God has met with me and has broken through the wall I built. I am finally allowing the thoughts and questions to flow and am ok if there is no answer or if I don't love the answer, knowing that God is my answer! Looking back through the really tough moments in these past few months, I can see that God has carried me through every single moment of this journey! He has given us Landon and has freed me from my chains! It feels great to be free! Did I mention Landon's name means "from the Long Hill?" :) It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far.
Through all of this I can say the God is faithful! Even when we can't see him or feel him or understand why life is going the way it is! He is carrying us through, creating little and big moments within the journey that glorify his work in our life! It has been a long hill but I am thankful that I have been brought this far. Thank you God for bringing me this far!